Tag Archives: sex

On Sex and Cremation

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So.  I read The Bloggess post today and died laughing because honestly, as much as I love my husband and as much as I value a healthy sex life, I have to admit, I’ve spoken very similar words in my own head on occasion: “Well then I guess we’re both gonna have to pee in the bed because I’m stopping in about 10 minutes. Some of us have shit to do Kevin“. (A quote from Jenny Lawson’s, The Bloggess post 5/6/14).  I find this hilarious probably because my husband’s name is Kevin.

For reference: http://thebloggess.com/2014/05/this-is-why-im-almost-never-asked-to-write-for-the-news/#comments

So freaking funny (and true!) about the soaked sheets thing. I mean, “once upon a time”, in the not too distant past, and maybe even sometimes, still… occasionally (ahem), soaked sheets are hot. And you know...my husband and I have tried some pretty freaky stuff, so maybe there were some other body fluids involved. But it’s also extremely possible we were just so inebriated, that it really was an accident…

Anyhooo, I’m totally digressing. Point is: “Oh you want sex??? Sure.  I’ll pencil you in”.

I’m 45 now. Busier than ever before and my one-and-only kid is now 13. I’m not chasing diapers anymore but somehow I’m busier! The sexual dynamo I was certain I’d be til they toss me in the kiln, so-to-speak, has packed her bags and set sail for a destination unknown. Perhaps it’s the crazy over 40 hormones. Maybe it’s my work schedule what with massage and writing, soccer games and training transport throughout the week, the countless errands and house crap that needs to get done. It’s all just exhausting. Who has the energy for a zesty romp after a day like that? Not I, said the fly, with a pie in his eye. (I couldn’t resist that. I use to say that when I was a kid. I loved rhyming).

Anyway- who doesn’t LOVE a good orgasm?

These days, I’m likely to knock out one or two all by myself. Less time. No contorting. No laying there feeling guilty because you’re about to fall asleep. And…NO SOAKED SHEETS.  First of all, “Eww” (unless it’s a reckless night of weekend abandonment). And secondly, guess who has to launder that shit?! You guessed it.

Note:
“Toss me in the kiln” : That’s cremation speak versus “put me in the ground”, for those who prefer to be embalmed in gnarly smelling fluid, laid in a box at which people can gawk, then buried like a doggy bone. I guess I’d rather be “burned and returned” (to the Earth and maybe a small part of me in a keepsake box for my son to display on his mantle.  The part that reminds him to stop peeing on the toilet lid). I’m sure some people think cremation is equally as “eeewwwy”. To each his own.

Team crispy!

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Road Straight Trippin’

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So we’re traveling to Massachusetts this weekend to visit some family and to get some help with finishing Nathan’s quilt I’ve been working on for 4 years, from one of Kevin’s aunts. Don’t judge. I started it while I was finishing my Bachelor’s and working. If I’d been diagnosed with the dain bramage prior to the undertaking, I’d have waited til after graduation to start it and would probably just be finishing it up now. Only 4 months later, instead of 4 years later.

Everwhat (that’s a Kevinism. He says it like this: EVer WHhhat)…we’ve been on the road in some pretty shitty traffic for about 9 hours now. The trip typically takes 6 to 6 1/2 hours. Freakin’ NY traffic. EVERY time. You should have heard the gems streaming from Kevin’s mouth while driving. And in the backseat, we have the 13-year-old, busting farts, reciting one-liners from Anchorman. He’s obsessed with the word “lanolin”.  He keeps saying it over and over again. He chuckles after each “lanolin”. http://youtu.be/6assm-ecPgc

Nuts…

At some point I checked my phone for phone messages and found a voice mail from the Junior High School, informing us of Nathans truancy today. This is the slap-happy and inappropriate kind of conversation that ensues in our car, between the 3 of us when the ride has gotten too long, bladders are full and the NY smog has rotted our brains:

Meg: (Turning to show Nathan the voice mail)  Ooooohhh.. Nathan you are truant today. You’re sick again. You’ve relapsed (referencing the excuse we used for taking him out of school last week during their shorter-than-ever “Spring Break” and our trip to Wildwood, NJ).

Nathan: You should tell them I have gonorrhea HEP A, B, C, MERSA, syphilis… (he’s learning so much in school this year). Also, this may be a reference to a Beavis and Butt-Head video we watched while away last weekend).  Here are snippets of the video in two parts (total of about 7 minutes).

Kevin and Meg: (Recalling Beavis and Butt-Head video.  Laughing).

Kevin: PARVO…

Nathan: What’s PARVO?

Kevin: I knew a woman who had PARVO. (Smiling).

Meg: Oh my God Kevin that’s not funny. Why are you smiling?

Kevin: It’s a dog disease.

Meg: I thought it had to do with eggs or chickens.

Kevin: No. Dogs.

Nathan: So did the lady and the dog get it on and that’s how she got it?

Meg: 😳

Kevin: Um. NO.

Meg: I saw a dog and a cat getting it on once though.

Nathan: Oh my God, you did? Was it a big dog?

Meg: No it was a pug.

Nathan: (Laughing hard) Was the cat accepting it?

Meg: (Also laughing hard). No! You know how dogs are just kind of humpy? He was kind of just doing that to the cat. The cat was kind of just tolerating it. There was no penetration. No intercourse.

Kevin: It was outercourse.

Nathan: (Dying in backseat).

Nathan: What color cat was it?

Meg: 😳

Kevin: Owwwwooo (Beavis and Butt-Head video reference again…)

Nathan: Lanolin.

My life with these two… I freakin’ love it. We are constantly entertaining ourselves, even when we don’t realize it.